Tonight has been a night where many emotions were put into the table. I can’t express the anger and the sadness I feel right now. 

Is it that hard to make the person you love the most to get to understand how you feel even for a second? I’ve been lost and found by the one I love, yet, I don’t know how to convey the feelings I have inside. The sadest part is that, even I have all those words in my head trying to get out through my mouth, I can’t. They just won’t come out because I’m a coward and I don’t have the courage to see the reaction of the other party. I’m tired of being like this. I know that the reason why everything is like this is mainly because of the way I am. I can’t even express the way I feel about things when I’m with my boyfriend. I yelled at him and I blamed him for things he didn’t do. And he still took blame. 

I’m such a horrible person.

I don’t know where I am going. I don’t know where I want to go. I don’t know how to tell you that… That’s not true.

I don’t wanna get married yet. I want you to wait for me for a couple of years until you finish paying those debts. I want to be able to help you out when you need me. I don’t want to work in a place I don’t like. I don’t want to move to Chiriqui. I want to keep studying and designing. I want to be able to do what I like wherever I like. I want to be able to stand by myself so that I won’t fall when I’m without you. I want to be able to achieve the many things I want to do in life before marrying you. I want US to go on dates, to travel, to actually be together before we marry. I want to draw and draw and be happy doing what I do. I don’t wanna be stuck in a store for the rest of my life. I want to leave this place, but stay in Panama city. I want to make art and make a living out of it. I want you to understand me even if it hurts you. I don’t want you to worry about me. I don’t want you to feel that I’m getting farther and farther away… All the other way around, I want us to be nearer. I don’t want a relationship where we get to see each other only 12 times a year. I want to experience our relationship as girlfriend and boyfriend before getting married. I don’t want you to get mad at me.

Please be strong. I want all the best for you. Even more. I want us to be together and have a happily ever after. I picture ourselves married and with kids in a future, but right now, I want to live my life as it is. I want you to live your too. And I hope you understand my feelings. 

I love you.